


I can't sleep

by gryffindoctor



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 10:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4476260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gryffindoctor/pseuds/gryffindoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Draco is completely lost and desperate. He has a task, but he doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to become something that he isn't. At the same time, he feels he can't deal with his feelings by himself. He needs Harry, more than ever before. He needs to be saved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first "fanfiction"* so please be kind and don't judge me too harshly. I hope you like it!

I can't sleep. I can't close my eyes. If I try to sleep I scream. It's like screaming from my eyes. A cold, wet and heavy scream. I look right at him when we cross, pleading, begging for help, because I am lost in desperation and I can't find strength in myself. I need him, more than ever before. I can't let the darkness swallow me and lock me up inside.

There's a force inside my chest, a dark and mischievous one, that is preventing me from breathing and living. It's so hard to open my eyes, to let go of it and run after you, my hope, my saviour.

I can't do it. I just can't. I'm not a slayer, I'm not evil, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not. I can't be. I know there's something good inside me, I just can't find it on my own. I'm lost here inside, I'm trapped, broken, in pieces and the clock is ticking. The clock is ticking and my light is fading. I fear there's nothing for me out there. I fear I don't deserve anything, not even you. If only I could tear my chest apart, rip my heart out and throw it away. But I can't. I have to leave with it, and deal with these feelings. I have to live knowing my destiny, knowing what I will have done, knowing that you'll never be mine. Knowing that I'm dead inside and that there's no forgiveness for what I am. No forgiveness for what I'll do.

I know at some point I won't feel this pain anymore. I will stop crying, I will stop bleeding. Until then, I just hope I'm strong enough to keep looking at you, to keep trying to reach you. I hope I'm strong enough to wait for you. I'm right here, Harry. I'm here. Please, don't ignore me, don't give up on me. I'm right here and I've always been right here.

I was wrong. I'm so happy I had always been wrong. He finally looked at me. He finally reached his hand, and I'm so happy, so overwhelmed. I'm safe. I have been saved. I can see the light again, and I can see his face, and we're so close. I'm finally home. I don't need to scream, I just need to whisper. I'll whisper and he'll listen, and he'll take care of me, and I won't cry, and I won't fall, and I won't die, I won't, I won't. I won't.

I'm here. He's here. We're here. And nothing matters anymore. I can finally breathe. I'm breathing and the air is so sweet, he's so sweet and kind and warm, and I'm alive. I have him, and he has me. And I finally can sleep.

                                                                                                             ******************

Yesterday you died. Your last Sunday. My last sunny day. Our last goodbye.

I can feel the bitter in my mouth from the night I didn't lived. I couldn't close my  eyes, and I won't close my eyes anymore. Not until the last minute, not until my last breath.

I'll never see that green anymore, not even in the trees or the grass of a sunny afternoon. Green is dead to me. I am dead to me.

What do I see? I see only gray, I see only emptiness and desolation, again. If I look at the dark I remember. I can't look at it again.

I want to remember you. I want to remember the day I finally breathed.

The days we woke up together and I opened my eyes and you were already awake, looking and smiling at me. Then, I would touch your hair, like I always did, and you would kiss my cheek.  And the days we passed together, we would go to the countryside, dive into the river, sit under the trees. Kiss each other. Hold each other. And the nights we ended together, the stars that we shared, and the dreams that we shared. That's what I want to remember, and I'll always remember.

I can't bury you. I can't let you be in the dark, alone. I want to be with you.

That's why I'm doing it. That's why I'm giving up. You gave me a part of you, I gave you a part of me. We shared our love and our dreams, but we also shared our souls. I can't go on without you, I can't breathe again, without you. You were the only one that ever tried to understand me, to look at me, to love me, for who I am. And I am so grateful to you. We weren't just two boys that fell in love. Our love united us, and we became one.

We had the life that we wanted. We started off both alone, both lonely boys. But we found each other, and we reached for each other. After that we breathed. We started off again. We created a life for us, for our dreams and passions. We didn't need anything, we only needed love, and we had a lot of it. And we will always have.

I feel my light fading again. No one will ever understand why I did it, but I'll do it. I can hear you, I can hear you saying my name. 'Draco!'. I'm coming. I'm coming for you. Just hold me. Hold me tight until it hurts, but don't ever let me go. Wait for me, my Harry.


End file.
